*Finally at Peace

What am I ‘supposed to be’ doing as a parent? Specifically, a stay at home parent. This is a question I have struggled with for a couple months now. My day, before all of this quiet chaos I presently live with, consisted of: waking up very early, going to my overly stimulating job where I personally encountered 60 to 90 patients a day and took care of each and every one with precision and love. I walked about 7 miles a day at work (according to the pedometer I purchased at Wal-Mart due to a patient’s curiosity). On top of the almost insane patient load I had, I also had to oversee flow of the practice and do almost all of the billings of insurances for the practice. I was like a circus organ grinder monkey, feed me caffeine all day and watch me go. The autopilot was only disabled when everything came to a screeching halt due to the ‘office manager’s’ personal crisis of the day. It was always dramatic and definitely this time, it was the end of the world. So, sometimes I also got to pick up her kid from school or take the big boss’ car to be washed. Forget that I couldn’t even make it to my own daughter’s assembly at school for good grades or that I hadn’t even washed my own car in about 6 months, I got to take care of theirs.

Life as you can see was rich! How could I have possibly wanted more? I mean, I got a whole 2 weeks off for maternity leave. Oh, and I also was 1099’d on my Christmas and birthday gifts!! Woo-Hoo! Now, that is love! My evenings and sometimes uninterrupted weekends consisted of coffee, cleaning a house, making meals and carting the kids from one place to another all in a blur. Oh shit, I forgot to say, that at times, there was actually a few minutes for me to squeeze in a shower, but shaving, that was only for special occasions.

So, it’s 6pm and I was supposed to leave work a half hour ago, and the kids are excited and cranky at the same time. Kick off my shoes, whip up a dinner that Betty Crocker would have been ashamed of and plop it on the table. “Eat… hurry….we need to get the boys bathed, read to, teeth brushed and in bed; Ariel we need to work on your 5th science project for the year!” Okay, now it is 8pm and Joey refuses bedtime, he’d rather lie in the hallway and stare at us. Corey, only a few months old, decides to go to the bathroom again, but this time all over his clothes, bed and somehow hair. “Ugh, Ariel, you try and figure out how to draw an illustration for AIDS on a giant poster board of a timeline, while I go bathe, re-clothe, and change bedding for Corey.” Now, its 8:30pm, Ariel is getting tired and still needs to shower, but we still haven’t decided on how to draw this damn picture. I tell her to shower and I would figure it out. As I sit there for a half hour wondering how this could be a real project, my mind races….did I pay the phone bill? I swear I did, I remember writing the check, but I can’t remember actually mailing it. Oh shit, now we aren’t gonna have a phone. Well, if the phone still works, I can call the bank to see if the check cleared…that’s what I’ll do! By now, it’s 9pm and Ariel is ready for bed. I hand her the poster board with a smile of accomplishment. She said, “mom, all you did was write AIDS in red, fancy”. I could tell that she was disappointed in my artwork, hoping I would have come up with something spectacular. She said, “What am I going to tell my teacher of why I didn’t draw an actual picture”? I then thought for a minute, there has to be an answer to this question, after all, moms know all. I had it!! I told her to ask her teacher to tell her what she would have drawn for AIDS, what could she possibly have thought of? Nothing better than me I was sure! So, now it’s 9:30 and I have to sign that permission slip and write a check for $20 for that field trip…ugh, now where is my checkbook? It has to be around here somewhere….not in my purse, not with the bills, was it behind Joey’s toy box with the mail that he hides?

Well, I better shower myself; maybe I’ll remember what I did with that checkbook while in there. While taking my luxurious 5 minute shower, I think of all that I need to do for the upcoming weekend of camping. Shit, did I get the marshmallows? I don’t think I did. I walk into the kitchen and open the cupboard to get some Tums for my stressed out and overly caffeinated stomach, and there I also find the checkbook. Why the hell is it with the medicine? In the kitchen? Well, I did buy the marshmallows and I did send off the phone payment. Whew!! Now, let me scoop Joey up off of the hallway floor and put him in bed. 10pm and in bed myself, Joe does the whole, throw his arm over me and sleepily rub my backside. I say, “give it up Joe and go back to sleep, I’m too tired to even brush my teeth, plus, I didn’t even shave!”

Fast-forward 6 months. Here I am with all of the time in the world to go to those school assemblies, volleyball games and back-to-school nights. I can play with the kids out in the rain, bake a loaf of bread and take that oh so missed bubble bath. And I wonder, am I supposed to be doing more? Should I have gone over Joey’s ABC’s again? Should I have made Ariel do her own laundry? Should I not have let Corey bathe in his mashed potatoes at dinner? Well, now it’s almost midnight and I realize that what ever I do or don’t do, it’s right! Joey is happy to go to bed in his own bed, excited that tomorrow he’ll help me make homemade pizza. Corey is sleeping without a care in the world. Ariel is dreaming about what her little boyfriends at school might get her for Valentine’s Day. Joe is snoring, but I don’t care, at least he is cozy. Just them knowing that I have an available hour or two for just them, is enough to make them sleep soundly. Although, that meatloaf I made for dinner might have given me some heartburn, I am good too. Peaceful I would say! Knowing that tomorrow is a new day and it’s all about my kids is enough for me. Well, time for me to go get that Tums and get lost in my own dreams!! Oh, and that science project; after asking her teacher what she would have drawn, Ariel received a big fat A!! And, I actually shaved my legs!!