*I'm not crazy....just misunderstood

I am not crazy…..just misunderstood! How can I be thankful for a car accident that has ruined my life?? I have not talked a lot about my health to anyone….even some of my family is in the dark re: my battles….I just choose not to talk about things and go on every day like things are as they are supposed to be, which I guess, in a way, they are. I don’t know where to begin or even what to say, I’m just ready to get stuff off my chest and take a full breath of air without all of this all bottled up…….most of us know that writing in a journal of sorts can be therapeutic, well that is what I’m doing here….I’m just making it public, so that friends and family who have been wondering what is going on can finally hear/read it and I don’t really have to call everyone individually. Before I begin….this is not meant to undermine anyone else’s feelings or battles that they may have….I know that there are many worse off than me and I want to acknowledge that.

Like I said, I don’t know where to start off -if there really is a place……all I’ve ever wanted was to be a mom…a GREAT mom! With difficulty and misfortunes along the way, I have had three beautiful, perfectly spoiled kids. The problem comes in last Christmas when Ariel and I were in a car accident. The car was totaled, but we walked away….seemingly rattled and bruised, but okay. As the weeks went on, Ariel’s bump on her head went away, my bruises and pains throughout most of my body started healing and everything seemed to be on track for the better, except for my back. As the weeks turned in to a couple months, my back was in so much pain that I literally would shake and vomit……my legs started giving out on me and I was falling more and more often…….no warning….no odd movements……just BAM- hit the floor. My doctor decided that it was time to do a MRI and X-rays. They were done in February and the results were not at all what we were looking for……nothing “fixable” at this time. It seems that I have rheumatoid arthritis and that the accident caused a very very fast paced degeneration in my whole lumbar and sacral spine……nerve roots are compressed and the bone is very degenerated…..as the radiologist put it….”I have never seen this even in a 90 year old”. Also…..we found out that there is a tumor within my vertebrae of my thoracic spine. Now…..this is where I am thankful for this horrible accident that has demolished my back and nerves forever…….had I not been in that accident, I would not have had a MRI for any reason and the tumor would not have been found. So you can see, I am thankful to have been in this accident.

We don’t have much to go on with this tumor -if it has grown, the best course of treatment looks like radiation at this time…….I go for a follow up MRI soon (I was due in August). I admit, I have been putting it off……yes, Joey was having his own issues and was hospitalized, and Ariel had this or that going on, but I have delayed my appointments…..I guess I don’t want to hear what the Dr has to say about it…..call me irresponsible or ignorant….I know…I feel the same way….but I can’t help feeling like that. I have called this morning to set up my follow ups and I am awaiting a call back as I type this.

I am in constant horrendous pain…….24 hours a day 7 days a week….I don’t really sleep and haven’t very well since before last Christmas….I now also have heart problems because of the constant pain and anxiety….I can not bathe my little boys…..walk very much without assistance on my really bad days…….play with the kids, travel to far-a-way places (by far-a-way) I mean more than 30 minutes, I shake and get horribly nauseous…..I can not bake and cook like I used to, I can not help Joe remodel this house that we have been so passionate about together- now it all rests on him…..this has completely ruined my life……I am often depressed wishing I could run in my huge gorgeous yard with my boys….I am only 32. I would rather be in labor and push a baby out daily with no drugs than deal with this every single second of my life…..I worry about my kids……will they resent me? I think Ariel already does. I worry that if this tumor causes any more problems, I won’t be able to handle it……I worry about it, but I know I’ll handle it just fine…..like everything else……I’ll just put my big girl panties on and deal with it….right??!!

Anyways, so there……everyone knows now…..I’m not at all anti-social….but I can not go to many places…..it is too hard on me physically and mentally……I’m tired of giving excuses of why I can’t go here or there……I have horrible anxiety and panic attacks due to my chest pains, pain in my back and worrying about this stupid tumor…..I went to see my family in California for a weekend and the pain about killed me from sitting on the plane for 3 hours straight.….I am making myself even more tired and worn out by always putting a smile on my face and clenching my teeth to pretend that all is being handled well -right now….it’s not, I feel like crap and until we find something that can help at least with pain control- I am not feeling well……I can not take narcotics or opiates for the pain…they do not work and make me feel ill…….so until something better comes along, I take nothing, which isn’t good for the ticker, because now I have tachycardia and take meds for that…..for now, I guess I’ll just continue to be thankful for having had the MRI, that I can still kiss my kids, that I have not actually fallen in a few weeks and that I have amazing friends and family standing by wanting to help me kick this crap in its ass! So there you go….it’s out there and I feel soooo much better. I will make sure and give updates as I have them!

-Jen


PS
My cousin Salyna, who has her own battles gave me this link a long time ago and I’d like to share it.

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf